I have not posted to this blog in over a year, but a recent discussion with friends prompted me to reexamine some of my notes here because I have a great deal to say in retrospect, and it seems there are a few readers who still stumble upon this blog and write in their thanks.
First, it is worth pointing out that while writing this blog, I was still mired in depression that began for me as a freshman in college, and continued on, I'd say, until just a few months ago, as I made some great life-changing decisions at the age of 28. The degree to which a depression increases your dependence on pornography should not be understated. Just like alcohol, drugs, and even television, pornography provides stimulation to a nervous system numbed and stultified (sounds like a Mike Doughty song) by years of malaise and inwardly-focused pain. The trouble with mild/moderate depression such as I suffered for years is that you may not realize you are depressed, and since you are often still functional, friends and family may not see its outward signs (particularly if they themselves are depressed, which they probably are.)
I found out about my depression around four years ago from a doctor. I had just been dumped out of another relationship because of erectile dysfunction. I simply could not maintain an erection long enough to put a condom on, and the girl got sick of it and fled. I told the doctor I must have a low testosterone level. He checked me out and said this was incorrect. He asked: "do you have friends?" I answered that I really didn't (not true, but it felt that way). He said I didn't have ED, I was just depressed, and gave me the names of some psychotherapists. Once I found a guy I liked, my life did start to get better. I met a girl who was patient and my sexuality went from repressed to raging in about a year.
As it turns out, there was also an issue of condom size which none of my doctors ever knew about, namely, nobody makes a condom big enough to suit me, and latex does not stretch as well as the manufacturers want you to believe. For someone as physically sensitive as I, a tight condom is like a noose. It hurts, frankly. But that problem was solved with TheyFit condoms. Check them out. They saved my sex life.
In addition to depression is its close friend, poor self-esteem. I was underconfident back then, which is a shame given my talents, and it took several years of therapy, self-improvement, a great girlfriend, and social risk-taking to learn that I'm actually quite awesome and people want to talk to me. Pornography was just easier than meeting real people, who inevitably (so I believed) would not like me. Better to just look at pictures of hot girls and have a quick orgasm than put myself out there and risk being shunned once again as I had so much in the past.
Psychotherapy is a great place to start if you feel this way, but maybe you can't afford it or your health plan doesn't cover it. There are other things you can do. Self-help books, as I've said before, are a good start. Also talking to good, smart, OBJECTIVE friends, not your mother, who has an agenda for you. Be open about your problems and listen to what they say. You love and respect your friends, so maybe they're right in telling you how cool you are. Above all else, even if you can't find a way out of your depression, don't stop moving and improving. Learn new skills, travel, keep teaching yourself about the world and experiencing new things. Make yourself so awesome that you can no longer deny how awesome you are. When the depression finally lifts years later, you'll be poised to start living life on your own terms, as I have.
The porn problem will take care of itself. You won't need it because real women will start pursuing you and your awesomeness.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Fight Habits, Not Urges
Pornography is not a crackrock. It can't kill you, although the many hours it can take away from your life can feel like dying slowly. What we are fighting is our urge to see a bare naked vagina. Your cerebral cortex cannot stand up to 3.7 billion years of evolution on this planet. You want sex and you will always appreciate the sight of tits, ass, and pussy. Fighting it is tilting at windmills.
Your fight in taking on a porn addiction is one of habits. And you have many:
But this is an addiction, not daily hygiene, and that's a tougher nut to crack. So try to take it one habit at a time. For examle, you might erase all your porn and try to go 30 days without saving anything to your hard drive. If you do that, you've removed one of the habits, and that's a big step toward conquering the addiction.
Fight habits, not urges.
Your fight in taking on a porn addiction is one of habits. And you have many:
- Turning on your computer when you're bored or lonely
- Searching for the perfect porn
- Searching for hours
- Hoarding
- Constantly checking for updates
But this is an addiction, not daily hygiene, and that's a tougher nut to crack. So try to take it one habit at a time. For examle, you might erase all your porn and try to go 30 days without saving anything to your hard drive. If you do that, you've removed one of the habits, and that's a big step toward conquering the addiction.
Fight habits, not urges.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
A New 30-Day Ban
I haven't posted much about my habit lately. My mind has been elsewhere, and I've sort of let my habit go into autopilot. Things have been decent as far as my porn addiction is concerned -- I really haven't binged and I've been careful not to let downloading get in the way of other activities. I've also been very good about giving my girlfriend first crack at my raging boners before heading into my office to jerk off.
But I have gradually started to "think" more about porn. I was starting to worry again about missing something. I was checking for updates at my old sites a little too often, and worse, I was starting to look at porn at work, mostly because of abject boredom.
I think I've reached a nice equilibrium with the "masturbating to porn" end of things. I don't find myself doing it more than I really need for basic male functioning and maybe a little fun at times. But as far as the "downloading porn" end of things, I was starting to slip.
The solution this time is to institute a 30-day ban on all new downloads. So effectively, I can still look at porn, but I am banned from visiting my sites for 30-days. I have a small collection, mostly of pictures, on my home computer, and that's all I'll get for this month.
I think this brings up an important point in dealing with your own addiction (also in dealing with international politics, oddly enough). Don't make the punishment worse than the crime. If you're making progress toward controlling your addiction, but feel yourself slipping, don't condemn yourself to a ridiculous lifetime ban. Make a small correction, and stick to it. This way you ensure that you won't revolt against some unreasonable ruling.
A 30-day downloading ban, for me at this point, is easy. If I need to see some nudity, I have a bit of it at home. But this prevents me from downloading at work, and corrects my growing tendency toward needing my semi-daily "fix" of updates.
But I have gradually started to "think" more about porn. I was starting to worry again about missing something. I was checking for updates at my old sites a little too often, and worse, I was starting to look at porn at work, mostly because of abject boredom.
I think I've reached a nice equilibrium with the "masturbating to porn" end of things. I don't find myself doing it more than I really need for basic male functioning and maybe a little fun at times. But as far as the "downloading porn" end of things, I was starting to slip.
The solution this time is to institute a 30-day ban on all new downloads. So effectively, I can still look at porn, but I am banned from visiting my sites for 30-days. I have a small collection, mostly of pictures, on my home computer, and that's all I'll get for this month.
I think this brings up an important point in dealing with your own addiction (also in dealing with international politics, oddly enough). Don't make the punishment worse than the crime. If you're making progress toward controlling your addiction, but feel yourself slipping, don't condemn yourself to a ridiculous lifetime ban. Make a small correction, and stick to it. This way you ensure that you won't revolt against some unreasonable ruling.
A 30-day downloading ban, for me at this point, is easy. If I need to see some nudity, I have a bit of it at home. But this prevents me from downloading at work, and corrects my growing tendency toward needing my semi-daily "fix" of updates.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Stop Praying and Start Living
Pornography addiction can be a real problem. You know it is a problem for you and you don't need a god to tell you that. If you associate your addictions and assorted personal problems with your faith in god, it becomes easier for you to associate your failure to correct these problems with your faith in god. Nobody, Jesus included, can fix you but you. Undue influences over the course of a life may create a person's problems, but that person is still ultimately responible for administering, and correcting, those problems.
You are not helpless. You are not powerless, as some of the religious-minded keep telling you. In fact, you have quite a wide range of control over your own behavior, and even to some extent your thoughts. Placing even a hint of control in the invisible hands of an invisible god is to relinquish the amazing powers given to you by birthright (perhaps, even, by that very same god). This is not about satisfying the values of a god, but about living your life as you would most want to -- as you would IF THERE WERE somebody watching you. Your values are already telling you that too much pornography is a bad thing. Don't pass the responsibility to somebody else, especially an entitiy who can't pat you on the back when you fix it yourself.
I don't know why we exist, nor why you exist, but I do know I exist, and that you exist, and that each of us can, if we want, control our own destiny. We control whether we pursue good acts or fallacious acts. I think even most religious men would agree with that.
So get off your damn knees and get out into the world and do something real. Stop acting so pathetic and weak. You're in control!
You are not helpless. You are not powerless, as some of the religious-minded keep telling you. In fact, you have quite a wide range of control over your own behavior, and even to some extent your thoughts. Placing even a hint of control in the invisible hands of an invisible god is to relinquish the amazing powers given to you by birthright (perhaps, even, by that very same god). This is not about satisfying the values of a god, but about living your life as you would most want to -- as you would IF THERE WERE somebody watching you. Your values are already telling you that too much pornography is a bad thing. Don't pass the responsibility to somebody else, especially an entitiy who can't pat you on the back when you fix it yourself.
I don't know why we exist, nor why you exist, but I do know I exist, and that you exist, and that each of us can, if we want, control our own destiny. We control whether we pursue good acts or fallacious acts. I think even most religious men would agree with that.
So get off your damn knees and get out into the world and do something real. Stop acting so pathetic and weak. You're in control!
Porn and Your Girlfriend
I have noticed a surprising interest in quitting porn addiction by guys who already have girlfriends.
Or perhaps this is not so surprising. When we're on our own, pornography is a respite from our loneliness, and our horniness. But with a girlfriend, our loneliness (hopefully) should not be an issue any longer. Horniness, on the other hand, may still be an issue, probably depending on what stage you find yourself in with the girlfried. Or maybe it doesn't matter. You're just horny all the time.
A few guys may find themselves with very oversexed girls who are always willing to please. But I'm betting that the majority of guys, at any stage of their relationship, would place "better sex life" at the top of their list of wants. It's just the way we are. And how can we not be when surrounded by a constant media stream of sexual images and messages? Turn on the television for five seconds and you get a boner (hopefully not while watching Animal Planet).
Men worry about how their fixation on pornography is affecting their relationship. I have no doubt that an addiction to almost anything has some effect on your relationships, but we tend to feel porn addiction is a particularly troublesome one, and with good cause.
The first question you should ask is how your girlfriend would feel if she found out the time and energy you spent on pornography. Most of you have indicated that she would be very very hurt, maybe irreversibly so. My girlfriend was a little hurt when I confessed to the problem, but eventually saw that it was a real issue and that I was seriously trying to deal with it. I'd like to say that it's an important test of the solidity of your relationship that you admit your problem to her, to see if she flees or embraces you more closely, but I imagine a lot of you, because of poor self-image or a variety of reasons, fear the loss of your girlfriend to such a degree that you would never come forward with the truth. I encourage all men to admit their addictions to their girlfriends and spouses, but for some I know this will never happen, so we need to find another angle.
The real meat of the problem here, as I see it, is that pornography is easy and relationships are hard. When our girlfriends aren't blowing us twice a day (as we wish they would) we resign ourselves to our computers and find some simulation of what it is we crave. But if what you're looking for is more sex, and better sex, from the one you're with, you have to make an effort. This can mean a number of things, from doing all those romantic things we used to do, down to just initiating sexual contact more often, and in new places. You may find that even just doing chores will guilt your girlfriend into doing something nice for you. Women get hornier the more they have sex, so the more sex you give them, the more sex they will return.
If you want more from the girl you're with, you can't get lazy. Many girls are just happy to relieve a throbbing hard-on, even if they themselves are not horny. Of course, if your sex life turns out to be so much of a problem, you can always dump her.
So whether you admit to your addiction or not, part of your recovery should be to put more into your sexual relationship. Nothing will change for your sexual life if you're locked in your office jerking it to pictures. Go do something nice for her. Right now. Then bed that woman, damnit.
Or perhaps this is not so surprising. When we're on our own, pornography is a respite from our loneliness, and our horniness. But with a girlfriend, our loneliness (hopefully) should not be an issue any longer. Horniness, on the other hand, may still be an issue, probably depending on what stage you find yourself in with the girlfried. Or maybe it doesn't matter. You're just horny all the time.
A few guys may find themselves with very oversexed girls who are always willing to please. But I'm betting that the majority of guys, at any stage of their relationship, would place "better sex life" at the top of their list of wants. It's just the way we are. And how can we not be when surrounded by a constant media stream of sexual images and messages? Turn on the television for five seconds and you get a boner (hopefully not while watching Animal Planet).
Men worry about how their fixation on pornography is affecting their relationship. I have no doubt that an addiction to almost anything has some effect on your relationships, but we tend to feel porn addiction is a particularly troublesome one, and with good cause.
The first question you should ask is how your girlfriend would feel if she found out the time and energy you spent on pornography. Most of you have indicated that she would be very very hurt, maybe irreversibly so. My girlfriend was a little hurt when I confessed to the problem, but eventually saw that it was a real issue and that I was seriously trying to deal with it. I'd like to say that it's an important test of the solidity of your relationship that you admit your problem to her, to see if she flees or embraces you more closely, but I imagine a lot of you, because of poor self-image or a variety of reasons, fear the loss of your girlfriend to such a degree that you would never come forward with the truth. I encourage all men to admit their addictions to their girlfriends and spouses, but for some I know this will never happen, so we need to find another angle.
The real meat of the problem here, as I see it, is that pornography is easy and relationships are hard. When our girlfriends aren't blowing us twice a day (as we wish they would) we resign ourselves to our computers and find some simulation of what it is we crave. But if what you're looking for is more sex, and better sex, from the one you're with, you have to make an effort. This can mean a number of things, from doing all those romantic things we used to do, down to just initiating sexual contact more often, and in new places. You may find that even just doing chores will guilt your girlfriend into doing something nice for you. Women get hornier the more they have sex, so the more sex you give them, the more sex they will return.
If you want more from the girl you're with, you can't get lazy. Many girls are just happy to relieve a throbbing hard-on, even if they themselves are not horny. Of course, if your sex life turns out to be so much of a problem, you can always dump her.
So whether you admit to your addiction or not, part of your recovery should be to put more into your sexual relationship. Nothing will change for your sexual life if you're locked in your office jerking it to pictures. Go do something nice for her. Right now. Then bed that woman, damnit.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Erectile Dysfunction (E.D.)
I have seen comments by a few men who have experienced erectile dysfunction and who believe porn is partly or wholly to blame. As someone who has dealt with a lot of ED, in spite of being only 27, I think I can say a lot about the subject.
(Before I go any further, do yourself a huge favor and go size yourself for a TheyFit condom. They come in 70 sizes from tiny to huge. A properly-fitting condom will do wonders for your sex life and your confidence -- more on this later.)
First, to young men out there who have experienced ED firsthand: shame is normal, but so is ED. Any decent doctor will tell you that pretty much every guy has it at one time or another. I, for one, lost two relationships to hot, oversexed girls because of it. I couldn't get it up, and pretty soon they lost interest. After the second one, I went to a doctor.
The reasons ED happens vary from guy to guy, but it usually comes down to performance anxiety (also excruciatingly tight condoms, more on this below.) Doctors and psychotherapists use this phrase a lot, but it doesn't make any difference to your hard-on. You can't just will anxiety away. It can, however, be gradually corrected.
I had a rotten sex life for most of my young years. I lost my virginity at 17, but back then I wasn't as interested in sex as I later became (a lot of my physical properties matured later than other guys.) In college, I couldn't even get a date. I went 7 years between any sexual encounters at all. That much time spent in loneliness and in confinement does a lot of damage to the male mind. But it is not irreversible, and I hardly see how pornography could really be to blame for your problems except in the most extreme of circumstances.
The doctor I went to pointed out that, at the time, I really didn't have friends. I didn't go out much. He said I was probably depressed and just didn't realize it. He also recommended therapy. I read some self-help books, and started going to therapy (with some financial help from the folks, fortunately.) All this was good stuff, but what finally cured my ED was meeting a caring, patient girlfriend.
Now, about the condom stuff.
When I was in college there was a vending machine in our dorm that sold condoms. Of course, it was the average "one size fits all" condom. Curious, I bought one to try it on. It was so tight I could barely get it on, and it hurt to wear. I just figured condoms were shitty. That's what I get for growing up in the "abstinence-educated" south. Years later, I saw an article in a men's magazine that said if you couldn't fit your erect penis into a toilet-paper tube, you needed a bigger condom. "Great," I thought. I went and bought some MAGNUMS. They were a little better but still very uncomfortable. Whenever I put one on, in a matter of a few moments it would choke off my erection without constant-stimulation.
Getting back to the patient girlfriend.
This girlfriend, who was (and is) intelligent and patient, recognized immediately that I was quite large down there. None of the previous women I had been with (or tried to be with) had said a damn thing about it. She downloaded the fit kit from Condomania, sized me up, and we ordered some proper condoms. And boy did they fit. They slipped right on snugly but not tightly, and let the blood flow to my penis properly. The sensation was so much better, at times I had to check that it hadn't slipped off.
Problem solved? No. But getting a properly-fitting condom was huge. Once that was taken care of, I had a lot of emotional issues to work on. Again, this is where the patient girlfriend who loves me came in.
At times I could get so wound up, be ready to go, put on those nice big condoms, and then everything fell apart. She would kiss me, relax me, and oftentimes I'd pop right back up. Sometimes I didn't, though, but that was okay. We kept working at it. I would say that it took a full year after I started using TheyFit condoms that I had completely stopped worrying about my ED.
These days, it is no longer a problem, but every now and then, things just don't work, and that's why it's nice to have long, dexterous fingers.
So that's my story. It had almost nothing to do with porn. Maybe your ED does, but I'm betting that your porn addiction and your ED are actually both symptoms of a single beast: poor self-worth and insecurity. Go get your head fixed first. Go meet some nice girls, not those drunken sluts you've been chasing. Your penis will follow suit with time. Once you start hammering bikini supermodels of questionable virtue, the ED will disappear completely. Or just do like I did and find a nice girl who loves you for you. Either way.
(Before I go any further, do yourself a huge favor and go size yourself for a TheyFit condom. They come in 70 sizes from tiny to huge. A properly-fitting condom will do wonders for your sex life and your confidence -- more on this later.)
First, to young men out there who have experienced ED firsthand: shame is normal, but so is ED. Any decent doctor will tell you that pretty much every guy has it at one time or another. I, for one, lost two relationships to hot, oversexed girls because of it. I couldn't get it up, and pretty soon they lost interest. After the second one, I went to a doctor.
The reasons ED happens vary from guy to guy, but it usually comes down to performance anxiety (also excruciatingly tight condoms, more on this below.) Doctors and psychotherapists use this phrase a lot, but it doesn't make any difference to your hard-on. You can't just will anxiety away. It can, however, be gradually corrected.
I had a rotten sex life for most of my young years. I lost my virginity at 17, but back then I wasn't as interested in sex as I later became (a lot of my physical properties matured later than other guys.) In college, I couldn't even get a date. I went 7 years between any sexual encounters at all. That much time spent in loneliness and in confinement does a lot of damage to the male mind. But it is not irreversible, and I hardly see how pornography could really be to blame for your problems except in the most extreme of circumstances.
The doctor I went to pointed out that, at the time, I really didn't have friends. I didn't go out much. He said I was probably depressed and just didn't realize it. He also recommended therapy. I read some self-help books, and started going to therapy (with some financial help from the folks, fortunately.) All this was good stuff, but what finally cured my ED was meeting a caring, patient girlfriend.
Now, about the condom stuff.
When I was in college there was a vending machine in our dorm that sold condoms. Of course, it was the average "one size fits all" condom. Curious, I bought one to try it on. It was so tight I could barely get it on, and it hurt to wear. I just figured condoms were shitty. That's what I get for growing up in the "abstinence-educated" south. Years later, I saw an article in a men's magazine that said if you couldn't fit your erect penis into a toilet-paper tube, you needed a bigger condom. "Great," I thought. I went and bought some MAGNUMS. They were a little better but still very uncomfortable. Whenever I put one on, in a matter of a few moments it would choke off my erection without constant-stimulation.
Getting back to the patient girlfriend.
This girlfriend, who was (and is) intelligent and patient, recognized immediately that I was quite large down there. None of the previous women I had been with (or tried to be with) had said a damn thing about it. She downloaded the fit kit from Condomania, sized me up, and we ordered some proper condoms. And boy did they fit. They slipped right on snugly but not tightly, and let the blood flow to my penis properly. The sensation was so much better, at times I had to check that it hadn't slipped off.
Problem solved? No. But getting a properly-fitting condom was huge. Once that was taken care of, I had a lot of emotional issues to work on. Again, this is where the patient girlfriend who loves me came in.
At times I could get so wound up, be ready to go, put on those nice big condoms, and then everything fell apart. She would kiss me, relax me, and oftentimes I'd pop right back up. Sometimes I didn't, though, but that was okay. We kept working at it. I would say that it took a full year after I started using TheyFit condoms that I had completely stopped worrying about my ED.
These days, it is no longer a problem, but every now and then, things just don't work, and that's why it's nice to have long, dexterous fingers.
So that's my story. It had almost nothing to do with porn. Maybe your ED does, but I'm betting that your porn addiction and your ED are actually both symptoms of a single beast: poor self-worth and insecurity. Go get your head fixed first. Go meet some nice girls, not those drunken sluts you've been chasing. Your penis will follow suit with time. Once you start hammering bikini supermodels of questionable virtue, the ED will disappear completely. Or just do like I did and find a nice girl who loves you for you. Either way.
You Need Sports and Martial Arts
I have said this several times before, but I think it deserves its very own post. If you have any real intention of quitting or cutting back your consumption of pornography, you need more sports and martial arts.
Porn may have interrupted or interfered with your work in the past, but how many of you can say that porn has wrecked a softball game, a round of golf, or a belt rating test? You like sports and you like kicking ass, and I bet if you put them side-by-side, you'd take them over porn. Scheduling regular weekly games of football or basketball or tennis, or even ping-pong, will get you out of the house, away from your computer and the dangers within it, and get you doing something you love to do.
You may have been late for work because of porn, but I bet you wouldn't be late for a football game where you're the star receiver. You hate work, so you can justify missing it. But you won't miss something you love.
A few of you may balk at the concept of involving yourself in sport. Perhaps you're fat, or weak, or you were picked on in junior high and the very thought of sports makes you cringe. That is all the more reason to get out there. Start slowly if you need to. Find a friend you can meet once or twice a week to kick a soccer ball around. The point is it's a scheduled event that's out of doors, it's fun, it's healthy, and you'll drop whatever you're doing at home to get out there.
There was once a time when men were called upon to do great things every day. We risked our lives to fight great battles. We were great predators and stalked game through the forest. Our bodies and minds are largely the same these days. But now we sit at desks clackclackclacking away. We chat on the phone to clients. Our battles are social battles, and business battles. The only game we have left to stalk is money, and money never runs or eviscerates us with teeth and claws.
Some of you might notice a hint of Fight Club in what I am saying, and there's no doubt Tyler Durden's words are coming out of my mouth a little. Fortunately, you don't have to get your teeth kicked through your cheek to feel alive again. You just need to expend some energy in a stressful (but controlled) environment. I did Krav Maga, a martial art that mimics the adrenaline dump and the panic of a real fight. I started playing pickup football, which fuels my desire for competition. I'm playing tennis again, which is still my favorite way to battle someone psychologically.
The more you do, the less you'll do the things you don't want to do.
Porn may have interrupted or interfered with your work in the past, but how many of you can say that porn has wrecked a softball game, a round of golf, or a belt rating test? You like sports and you like kicking ass, and I bet if you put them side-by-side, you'd take them over porn. Scheduling regular weekly games of football or basketball or tennis, or even ping-pong, will get you out of the house, away from your computer and the dangers within it, and get you doing something you love to do.
You may have been late for work because of porn, but I bet you wouldn't be late for a football game where you're the star receiver. You hate work, so you can justify missing it. But you won't miss something you love.
A few of you may balk at the concept of involving yourself in sport. Perhaps you're fat, or weak, or you were picked on in junior high and the very thought of sports makes you cringe. That is all the more reason to get out there. Start slowly if you need to. Find a friend you can meet once or twice a week to kick a soccer ball around. The point is it's a scheduled event that's out of doors, it's fun, it's healthy, and you'll drop whatever you're doing at home to get out there.
There was once a time when men were called upon to do great things every day. We risked our lives to fight great battles. We were great predators and stalked game through the forest. Our bodies and minds are largely the same these days. But now we sit at desks clackclackclacking away. We chat on the phone to clients. Our battles are social battles, and business battles. The only game we have left to stalk is money, and money never runs or eviscerates us with teeth and claws.
Some of you might notice a hint of Fight Club in what I am saying, and there's no doubt Tyler Durden's words are coming out of my mouth a little. Fortunately, you don't have to get your teeth kicked through your cheek to feel alive again. You just need to expend some energy in a stressful (but controlled) environment. I did Krav Maga, a martial art that mimics the adrenaline dump and the panic of a real fight. I started playing pickup football, which fuels my desire for competition. I'm playing tennis again, which is still my favorite way to battle someone psychologically.
The more you do, the less you'll do the things you don't want to do.
Welcome to Our Newest Quitter
Blind Tomorrow has started his own blog to document his own experiences with porn addiction. Check him out at Heat of the Moment.
Friday, June 23, 2006
I Have Not Binged
Although I am currently allowing myself to view porn, I have been startled at how disinterested I have been with it. I have, in fact, spent some time with porn since my 30 day fast expired, but it has been under my control and has only occuppied a tiny fraction of my time. Granted, I haven't been that aroused lately anyway, possibly due to some medication I'm taking at the moment. But a large part of the addiction was just the compulsion of seeking and downloading, and so far I've pretty much avoided it. I'm starting to face up to the reality that, at least for myself, I may be able to live responsibly with a bit of pornography. Time will tell. I have my day-counting jar ready if things get out of hand again.
I have not yet mentioned that a unique effect of avoiding porn for a significant period of time is that you begin more than ever to notice how ridiculous porn looks, specifically hardcore porn, compared to actual sex. The way porn stars act, the way they talk -- it is all so staged and phony, and rarely erotic. You begin to notice how few of these women are actually enjoying the sexual act, and instead just doing their job. There are exceptions, but you can exhaust your day sifting through the boring stuff to find anything truly arousing. I'm old enough to know what a penis in a vagina looks like, so arousal comes down to eroticism, not just imagery. And that's what most hardcore pornography is.
This just drives home the point that sex and pornography have very little to do with one another, at least in my world.
I have not yet mentioned that a unique effect of avoiding porn for a significant period of time is that you begin more than ever to notice how ridiculous porn looks, specifically hardcore porn, compared to actual sex. The way porn stars act, the way they talk -- it is all so staged and phony, and rarely erotic. You begin to notice how few of these women are actually enjoying the sexual act, and instead just doing their job. There are exceptions, but you can exhaust your day sifting through the boring stuff to find anything truly arousing. I'm old enough to know what a penis in a vagina looks like, so arousal comes down to eroticism, not just imagery. And that's what most hardcore pornography is.
This just drives home the point that sex and pornography have very little to do with one another, at least in my world.
Monday, June 12, 2006
I Was Disappointed
I had worried that, with the fast expired, I might find myself bingeing on porn this weekend. In fact, I had looked forward to masturbating to a little porn, which I had not done in a month. Instead, I was pleasantly interrupted by sex and cuddling with my girlfriend, and the masturbation never materialized. I know, I know, it's a damn shame. I swear I'll try to masturbate to porn this week.
I did poke around some porn, though, to see what I might have missed in the last 30 days, but for the most part, I was disappointed. I had expected to be overwhelmed by the volume of great porn. And while I did find bits and pieces, I was overall not so impressed. When you've been away from it, it starts to all look the same. I guess only when you're downloading porn nonstop do you gain the discernment to seperate the porn into little categories. For me, this weekend, it was a few sexy photos and a whole lot of boring naked girls -- something I've seen plenty of.
This in no way signifies that my addiction is over, but it is very encouraging that I could come back to porn and not go nuts over it. Of course, a horny girlfriend always helps that situation, so I suppose some thanks go to her.
I did poke around some porn, though, to see what I might have missed in the last 30 days, but for the most part, I was disappointed. I had expected to be overwhelmed by the volume of great porn. And while I did find bits and pieces, I was overall not so impressed. When you've been away from it, it starts to all look the same. I guess only when you're downloading porn nonstop do you gain the discernment to seperate the porn into little categories. For me, this weekend, it was a few sexy photos and a whole lot of boring naked girls -- something I've seen plenty of.
This in no way signifies that my addiction is over, but it is very encouraging that I could come back to porn and not go nuts over it. Of course, a horny girlfriend always helps that situation, so I suppose some thanks go to her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
